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Hi, I wish to submit Log Lines for my 2 feature length Irish comedy screenplays for your consideration. Included are short synopses which I hope will interest you enough to request more information.
I also tell you a little bit about myself.
Thank you for your consideration and take care,
John P. Stewart
Log Line: During a testicle transplant operation a quack Chinese doctor horrifies the patient by using a meat chopper to remove the testicle.
THE IRISH SCALAWAG
Paddy is a comedian who does a standup routine in the Montreal Comedy Nest. He uses his deformed body as a source of his offbeat sense of humor. A Master of ceremonies does a hilarious warm up comedy presentation followed by Paddy’s bizarre headliner routine. Paddy is also a shyster who uses his wits to rip people off which he does on several occasions. But at 70 he is still a virgin and blames his deformities for his problems. He seeks advice from Dr. Won Ball a Chinese sex therapist who tells him a story of how he lost one of his ********* playing Russian roulette in the army. The therapist convinces Paddy that to improve his sex life he would need to have one of his ********* surgically removed. The conniving doctor’s plan is to have the wayward testicle transplanted to replace the one he lost in the army. During the preparation for the operation Paddy is horrified when the doctor prepares to remove his testicle with a meat chopper.
Of course nothing obscene is actually shown. It will be the dialogue and the expressions of the actors that will create hilarious situations. Paddy ends up in a hospital minus a testicle where he is looked after by an effeminate male nurse who drools at the size of his organs. Among his duties is to shave Paddy’s private areas and apply an enema.
Further along Paddy ventures into a sex shop and discovers a Halloween ‘Guess the weight of a pumpkin’ contest. By using his wits and cheating he wins the first prize; a sizable supply of Viagra.
Later as a resident of a retirement home he is enamored with a new arrival from France who has a reputation of being an escort to the rich and famous. She is introduced to the residents among which is a sailor with a little dinghy, a giant of a man called Big Dick, who ironically, is a bit of a softy and a forgetful lady called Alice Zymer. The new Madame takes it upon herself to proposition Paddy and end his virginity once and for all. He accepts her offer and all hell breaks loose as he overdoses on his supply of Viagra which results in his demise. The script ends with a fun filled Irish wake and a touch of sadness as Paddy is escorted to heaven by friendly angels to a chorus of the sad Scottish song, “Bonnie Paddy’s gone away will ye no come back again.”
Father I committed Adultery
Genre; humor, (14 and up) approximately 111 minutes.
Pitch; A whole world of new experiences open up for a young Irish catholic lad whose tipsy father hands him his trousers after cutting out holes in the pockets.
Log line: At an age when sex talk was taboo, two naïve teenagers take it upon themselves to find the answers but are haunted by religious brainwashing and the fear of going to hell for their sins.
The problems of teenage sexuality are discussed in hilarious ways by two Irish lads who are gifted with Irish wit but consumed with guilt from wasting their seeds by the wayside. The scenes highlight the days of religion domination by the Catholic Church over its followers where sex talk was taboo. The lads had to figure things out for themselves.
Most of the action takes place in Derry except for a short fishing trip to Buncrana.
Many scenes take place in St. Eugene’s Cathedral.
Paddy is a deeply religious teenager in the Bogside slums of Derry City in Ireland.
Because he can’t afford to buy his son a Christmas present his tipsy father cuts holes in Paddy’s pockets so that he has something handy to play with.
With his new found pleasures conflicting with his Catholic beliefs, the 16 year old Paddy asks his pal Mickey to help him figure out how to tell Father Murphy at confession what he is doing without sounding vulgar. Following a long laughable discussion they come up with the brilliant idea to tell Father Murphy that he committed adultery.
When Father Murphy asks him who he was with when he committed adultery, he says, “I was alone Father.”
But, in spite of expressing his fears of going to hell for his sins, Paddy is not an angel. He meets up with a portly gypsy girl who raises pigs and is after his body. He figures she has seven pairs of knickers with the days of the week embroidered on them, because she always hangs six pairs of her knickers on the line on washday. When he sees that one day there are seven pairs on the line he feels the great seduction is beginning. He reluctantly agrees to spend a day fishing with her on her father’s boat. He catches crabs.
He is invi