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As I Was Saying. To warm you up on a cold winter's day.

As I Was Saying
So I’m reading the label on a jar of marmalade. Suddenly a jar of peanut butter drops onto my foot. Looking down I see a hand stretching though the shelf. A voice in ‘whoopee’ mode shouts ‘aha’ and the hand grabs my nuts. Now I’ve enjoyed many experiences but I can honestly say that nothing in life prepares you for having your balls squeezed in a supermarket by someone you can’t see. Some of you will be saying I should get out more but it was a first for me! I went up on tiptoe and looked over the top of the gondola. A woman in her forties was down on her knees with her arm through the shelving. As politely as possible I said. ‘Erm... excuse me can I help you? Glancing up she whispered. ‘I’m looking for a meaningful relationship!’ As kindly as possible I said, ‘well you’re going about it the wrong way darling.... these things take time. With a puzzled look she replied. So you don’t like having your balls rubbed then? I laughed. ‘That’s totally irrelevant, I don’t even know your name... we might have different taste in music.... politics..... I don’t like spaghetti Bolognese, if you served that up I wouldn’t even let you hold my hand!’ She stood up, said ‘please yourself’ and walked away. I suppose the worst aspect of that incident is that I can’t tell anyone!

As I Was Saying
So I’m walking round the garden wondering when the wife was going to get round to cutting the grass, when Tony next door calls me over. ‘Dave can I ask you a personal question?’ I smiled and nodded. ‘Ask away mate’. He took a deep breath. ‘Do you find me attractive?’ The blood drained out of my face as I considered my options. Finally, tact and diplomacy triumphed. ‘To be honest Tony I don’t like men with tattoos and you are too short for me’.
He smiled. ‘No it’s nothing like that! It’s just that my wife has been putting it about a bit and it’s damaged my confidence'. I could see he was down in the mouth so to put him at ease I told him that she hadn’t made any overtures in my direction. Do you know what the ******* said? ‘Don’t worry your turn will come, it’s only a question of time before she gets desperate.’ ******* cheek! It put my nose right out of joint I can tell you. It was all I could do to stop myself from telling him what his 19 year old daughter and I got up to behind the garage on New Years Eve.