ma, ma, that is what i consider to be the last message-benediction to me by revered bhuteshananda maharaj. it was march, 1998. i was a probationer in advaita ashrama, kolkata. i was being asked to go back by aurobindo maharaj as he felt that i did not have self-control and was inefficient in work. guru maharaj forcefully told me on my seeking his darshan, "ask them what disqualifications they find in you and tell them you shall try to overcome them". but unfortunately i did not have faith in myself and in his words. i bowed seeking forgiveness(mentally). he, as i withdrew from his motherly and holy presence, cried out, "ma, ma".
some years later, in sri fhanindra's presence before a awakened shrine of mother kamakhya(padumbari dham), i mentally prayed to mother to take me in her laps. mother, sri fhanindra frowned, "what are you praying, ankur, stop". he explained later. mother will take you in her lap, but if you again desire to come back, what a tragedy. so go through the suffering in your lot, purify yourself and wait for her grace. jai ma.
dear sister rosemary,
thank you for the words of encouragement. it has been an inspiration to read the postings in this forum. hope you have a wonderful durga puja by holy mother's grace.
regards,
ankur
