Mysterious is the power of Maya. The Samskaras and Vasanas are very powerful. Sanyas is sterner stuff. It demands endurance, renunciation and dispassion. Mind has to be purified first by destroying Vasanas and Raga Dwesha.
The important thing to remember is not how many times we fall, but that we rise up each time we fall.
You were thinking about God before your relationship, you are thinking of him now. Please do not condemn yourself. I am sure you would not condemn me.
We are where we are.