Here is another Leaf which SPEAKS to me. I had good fortune of meeting the author several times. Peace and tranquillity radiated from his personality. I hope the following extract speaks to some of you too.
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Sometimes I get thoroughly tired of religion and everything connected with it. I feel just nothing but boredom and dejection. Meditation is a grind; progress appears nonexistent; the reputed delights of the spirit are conspicuous by their absence. Why keep on with the effort? What hope is there of ever getting anywhere, anyway?
I suppose that such feelings come to everyone. They certainly sweep over me often enough. But now they don't upset me so much. I have developed a trick for combating them. When I feel like giving up the struggle, I simply take the time to consider carefully the alternatives. True, the spiritual quest may be uneventful, but what else is there which I'd rather be giving my time to? True, I may be a very long way this side of God-vision; but is there anything I'd prefer to be doing other than trying to carry on those disciplines which experts say are necessary to attaining it?
Back to that old wild goose chase? Back to the drive for possessions and power? But I had possessions and power -- if not in this life, then assuredly in a previous life. They could not have brought security or even very much fun, else I should not have had such a desire to find something better. Back to romance? But I experienced romance, and I can observe those whose lives are given over to it; and what stability, what real bliss can one gain in that? Back to anything at all? What is there back there? I thoroughly explored that territory, and turned to religion only when I had exhausted its possibilities. Is there the slightest hope that I shall uncover anything worthy now -- now that I am older, more discriminating, and less suggestible?
One may be sure that bread will bake promptly and perfectly once the right combination of ingredients and conditions are achieved. The big job is to get these assembled. This requires time and effort, but that is not the fault of the finished product. Experienced persons tell us that in religion the result is sure once the conditions are met. But even if a happy outcome were not guaranteed, even if a life of spiritual practice were to be carried on without any hope of God-realization, I think I should prefer it to trying to picnic in the Wasteland. There is a sweetness that you feel in time, a comfort, a current of quiet satisfaction.
Routine as it can be, spiritual observance is so much more satisfying than preoccupation with Maya, that once you try it you wouldn't want to return to the other.
So I just go along and try at least to be regular in my devotions. I start and close them with this: "Well, Lord, I know I'm not much of a meditator, and I'm certainly not naturally spiritual. But here I am as usual. If you should be gracious enough to give me the sight of you, I should be grateful. If not, here I am anyway, and here I'll continue to be."
I have tried it both ways, and I can say truly that a seat on the ground outside the tent of my Beloved is more to be desired than a high station in that place where He is not to be found.
Source: Leaves of an Ashrama (Swami Vidyatmananda)
I have often thought like this.... When all seems empty, what else will fill the void? In the answer is always, "Nothing." (Though sometimes I may seem to convince myself otherwise.)
