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As I Was Saying

As I Was Saying
Time is a strange concept isn’t it. You take today for example. This time next week today will be last week and this time last week I was supposed to cut the grass hence the saying, ‘don’t put of till next week something you could have done a fortnight ago.....yeah! I’ll tell you something else about time. Apparently, North America is so wide it has six time zones. Now listen to this.... but you never heard it from me right! If you tunneled into and robbed a bank in New York at midnight and owned a supersonic NASA X15 jet fighter (top speed 7,310mph) you could be back home in San Francisco forty minutes later enjoying dinner the day before. You would hear about the robbery whilst eating your cornflakes the next morning. Alibi or what? Ryanair offer a similar package for less money but can’t guarantee to get you home the same week, so bang goes your alibi.... anyway it’s time to go so see you last week!

As I Was Saying
As he sat down to do the crossword puzzle, Brian noticed the date on the newspaper. So that’s why she’d opened a bottle of wine! Ironically his first clue was. Helps to recall the past. As he wrote the word memory his wife Sharon announced. ‘I’m popping upstairs to dress for dinner’. 10 down, Putting up a monument. Brian was writing the word erection when Sharon re-appeared. She was dressed as a nightclub hostess and looked absolutely stunning. Caressing the outline of her voluptuous breasts she beckoned him towards the sofa. ‘Happy anniversary darling’ she purred, ‘what have you got for me?’ Scratching his head he replied. 9 across. Lift housing. I can’t think what that is? Sharon smiled and slowly lifted her skirt. ‘The answer is a shaft which is what I need! ‘Mmm, it’s quite hard today’ said Brian as he placed the paper on a chair. Sharon undid his belt. ‘The harder the better, show me!’ Six groans and an ‘oh my God’ later it was all over. As Brian lay collapsed on top of her Sharon picked up his paper. 8 down. Too soon, She wrote, premature. 19 across. A solver of problems she wrote, window cleaner!

David Colane